How to give a Cat a pill

Post by **JWR** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:04 pm

How to Give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to the back of the mouth with the right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for the count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt
away
and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the
road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be
rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash
pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air

Baakay · Post by **Baakay** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:13 pm

Fellow Cat Lover wrote:
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine

Lord love a duck... I just about killed myself laughing at that one! :hitting:

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:14 pm

Only just? Why? : Baakay said she about killed yourself laughing at that one.

vampyreshoujo · Post by **vampyreshoujo** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:15 pm

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:15 pm

I think I'm falling asleep.

vampyreshoujo · Post by **vampyreshoujo** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:16 pm

Read the joke, Cloud. The funny will wake you up.

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Tue Mar 28, 2006 10:16 pm

Sorry I don't have access to that document.

DevoVamp · Post by **DevoVamp** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 12:28 am

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Gads, that's funny!! You must have to call in the swat team to give a cat the pill!!

I'm glad I have dogs! Melted cheese works great to give them a pill, too!

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Wed Mar 29, 2006 12:36 am

I've know this one quite a while, but it keep reading it because it's so darn funny !

kittens · Post by **kittens** » Wed Mar 29, 2006 4:57 am

LOL

I know how it is

sailorsv13 · Post by **sailorsv13** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 9:39 pm

Boy...I'm glad I never had to give my cat a pill!!!! I don't think I ever will now either. The vet will have to do it!

~ Bri ~

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 9:39 pm

Do you mean you are a boy?

Not Sir Phobos · Post by **Not Sir Phobos** » Thu Apr 27, 2006 7:59 am

It's all so true. My cats all hate getting pills. Even worst though when you give them vaccinations. Yup, I use to do that myself too

Okuni · Post by **Okuni** » Thu Apr 27, 2006 10:36 am

never tried giving a cat a pill before...

but! here's a nice story to go with that one!

http://nodogsonbeach.livejournal.com/26 ... ew=1121143

the cat as a roommate.

DevoVamp · Post by **DevoVamp** » Fri Apr 28, 2006 7:02 am

PPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

That one made me laugh and spray my tea all over my computer screen!!! LOL!!! Love it!!