So my phrase for 2010 seems to be "I'm sorry." This has become by far the most depressing, pathetic year I have ever experienced, and many--if not most--of the people who are unfortunate enough to come near me must feel the uncomfortable influence of my highly unstable emotions.
And the cause is so pathetic and minuscule compared to the problems of so many other people around the world, and yet I can't seem to shake it, to find the path forward. Suffice it to say, my heart was broken nearly 6 months ago, and I still feel like it was yesterday, wondering what just went wrong. I can't understand how something that--I thought--was so good could be over in a blink of an eye. I can't understand how that person could change so drastically without realizing it. I've been trying to find the positive things in life, trying to still find the joy in things I used to love, but I can't seem to hold on to it for very long. There's always something that reminds me of something that's gone forever and it pulls me down. And I'm starting to worry that I'm becoming more and more unable to keep these personal feelings and emotions from reaching the surface in my everyday life.
Just this past Saturday, a bunch of us from work got together to give a co-worker a farewell party while welcoming his replacement. We went to one of my favorite Japanese izakaya's (Watami!) and we really had a good time. After that we all went to one of they boy's house for the second half of the party, and several of us--myself included--had some tequila shots. It was good and I thought I handled it fine. But then a little later in the night, everyone was talking, and my mind started wandering, and I started thinking about the last time I had been to my friend's place for a party. Of course, back then, my ex was with me. And although I have a very unreliable memory, I do have a *crazy* photographic memory for moments that are important to me. I can remember the smallest things sometimes; so simply being in my friend's apartment made me remember HIM... Before I knew it, I felt my eyes get watery and before anything happened, I got up and went out to the balcony alone. It was probably all the alcohol that made me all emotional, but I couldn't help but wonder how easy it would be to climb over the side. No one would even notice, and I doubt anyone would really care.
I don't know what kept me down off the railing that night, but I went back into the room, hoping to keep my stupid emotions together and not freak anyone out. Eventually sometime later, the reggae music that was playing switched to none-other than NE-YO...and not just any song, but OUR song. At this point I was a bit tipsy and not completely in control of myself, I went to the computer and tried to stop it. I thought I forwarded the music on to the next song, but nothing happened. I tried to stop it from playing, but it WOULDN'T STOP! It really felt like torture and I cried for someone to make it stop. At that point, I think people were starting to get freaked out--I don't really remember what happened after this. I just remember a friend of mine helped me out of the apartment, to the station, and even took me all the way home even though I got sick a couple times along the way. I don't remember much, but I remember I kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." and he said, "Would you quit saying that?" lol But seriously, it doesn't get much more pathetic than this.
Now, typically, I know how much I can drink, and normally I'm not one to get carried away with peer drinking, either; but this one night, I think something seriously broke inside. Although I knew my own threshold, I didn't care. I didn't care if I drank too much, I didn't care if I'd get sick, I didn't care if I'd put myself in danger. Of course, I didn't even bother to think what a burden that would be for other people around me. So why the hell did I do it? It wasn't like I intended on getting drunk, I didn't intend on getting all emotionally out of control. But now that it happened, I can't help but wonder why it did. Could it really be remnants from my broken heart causing this? After all this time, why should it matter? Why does it still try to destroy my life--and I'm letting it? I don't understand it.
So with that horrible weekend gone and in the past, I'm trying to regroup and focus on the week ahead (Tuesday is the first day of my work-week). I have a few minor things to look forward to, Fringe on Thursdays (I can get it online on Friday), I'm playing Ys 7 off and on, I got a new kitty 3 weeks ago, I'm trying to play the piano more, and I'm trying to get more active with the old cel hobby. They're all great and positive things, but they seem to only take up a brief moment in my mind.
I'm pretty sure I'm going through a mild depression. I haven't talked to anyone, but just talking about it (whether people are listening or whether they care or not) seems to help. Has anyone gone through something like this? What did you do to make things better for yourself--and for those around you? I don't know what more I can do to get out of this; I'm just very, very tired of hurting and feeling alone and pointless.
I'm also pretty sure I will not renew my contract for next year, so I also have the pressure to find a new job; if I can't find one in Nagoya, I'll try Tokyo, and if that doesn't work, maybe it's back to the States. But even if I come home, what can I do? There is less for me there than there is here. *sigh*
If anyone has any advice, please let me know. In the meantime, I'm going to go watch old clips of Mike Rowe on QVC. *giggle* That or cute kitten videos.
Sorry, everybody, for this horribly pathetic post.
