Sensei Grows Old, Part 3: The Sleep Test!

Post by **sensei** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 10:11 pm

CAUTION! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE PRONE TO NARCOLEPTIC ATTACKS!
OPERATING MECHAS OR OTHER KINDS OF HEAVY MACHINERY WHILE READING THIS POST IS NOT RECOMMENDED!

Last Monday, according to the directions, I got up and started into my day with no cup of coffee. In fact, I avoided caffeine in all forms, even iced tea, for the entire day, and when it got to the normal time for my afternoon nap, I took a coolish shower instead, avoiding the use of hair conditioner, body lotion, and other skin moisturizers. The intestinal bug that I'd caught over the weekend by chowing down on hot refreshments at the church bazaar didn't help, since my body reacted much as if it were preparing for an early colonoscopy. I needed to keep the location of the nearest john clearly in mind.

As evening settled in, though, everything settled down, and at 8:30 I dutifully got into the car and drove very cautiously to the hospital's sleep clinic, pajamas and reading material (v. 14 of Fruits Basket) in hand, to report for testing.

The surprisingly perky sleep test technician walked me briskly back to the laboratory, which had been furnished with a king-sized bed and a dresser (50s motel era) that partially covered up the hospital death-watch atmosphere. After I'd changed into my jammies, I filled out a questionnaire (How quickly do you fall asleep? --about 10-15 minutes. Do you have frightening dreams? --if you don't count dreaming about teaching Freshman English, not really.)

Then she got out a python-sized bunch of wires, separated them one by one, and began attaching them to me with little pink sticky polka dots, each secured with a big strip of surgical tape. Two for the lower thighs (to detect when my toes twitched), two for the upper thighs (for leg kicks), two for my chest to listen to my heart (over the still partially bare spots from my stress test), a bunch for my back and arms, then a whole starburst in among my scalp (for the EKG). These took little dots of something that the technician explained were like Elmer's Wood Glue. (Well, that was OK, because I used to use Elmer's Glue for my Halloween costumes).

Now, then, two more wires on polka dots beside my eyes (for REM) and two more beside the corners of my mouth (for teeth grinding), and a little light plug to go inside my nostrils with thin tickly wires to measure the temperature of my breath. Now two elastic bands around my waist (to record my breathing), and I was ready for bed. Yes, I was, though I felt like I was a refugee from an Inuyasha episode, tied to some kind of giant spider's web and unable to move without entangling myself further.

Last, she turned what looked like a heat lamp, pointed it at the ceiling, then balanced a little eyepiece on a rickety tripod (it fell over at least twice), explaining that this was the lens for the night vision surveillance camera that would keep track of my positions and how often I changed them.

"OK, now read (or watch TV) until you feel drowsy, and I'll come in and turn out the light."

Actually, I got only through three chapters when, in spite of the wires sticking to every part of my body and the tickly plug in my mouth, I really felt like it would take a full-blown terrorist attack to keep me awake. She turned out the light, went out into the hall to monitor the data that I was now sending through four dozen digital conduits, and I rolled over onto my right side and was sound asleep in ten minutes.

After some time, I found myself on the other side (with one of the cords twisted awkwardly around and around my leg like a strangler fig) in one of the irritating half-awake, half-asleep states that I sometimes come to when I'm worried about something. I was sure that the printout would show the technician in the hall that I was only pretending to be asleep and sending bogus data. Ah, well, that's her problem, I thought, and relaxed into one of those states where it was hard for me to tell if I was asleep or awake.

I noticed that the technician had come into the room and covered one of the fake-leather chairs with a sheet; then she'd turned on a wind machine and was crouched behind the chair, making moaning noises. Ah, yes, I understood: she was trying to make me have a frightening dream so that they could collect data on how my sleeping brain would react. Would I brux? Would my eyes twitch? Would my legs thrash?

Then I realized that this was just a very realistic dream that I was having, and that the technician was still out in the hall, doubtless staring at the printouts I was generating and enthusiastically taking notes.

Then I thought: OK, so I'm having a dream about how someone is trying to make me have a dream I'm not really having. And now, even though I'm not really awake, I'm dreaming about realizing that my dream about the technician trying to scare me into a scary dream isn't really a dream after all. This got so difficult to think about that I almost immediately went into another deep, blissfully dream-free phase of sleep.

I rolled over hard again (thankfully unwrapping the cord around my leg) and found the technician turning on the lights. No, this time it wasn't a dream: it was 5 AM and the sleep test was over, or at least they'd gotten enough data for them to crunch happily for a week. Off came the strips of surgical tape (with 5 weeks hair growth) and the pink polka dots, and the nose plug, and the chest straps. Another questionnaire (How alert do you feel after your sleep? --awake but not refreshed.) I changed my pajamas for my street clothes, remembered to claim my Furuba, and I was ready to wrap.

"Anything I should know?" I asked the technician as I left. She was evasive: my doctor will go over their report in a week to ten days, maybe a little more because of Thanksgiving. "You do snore," she said, giggling a bit because she'd violated her protocol.

I'll let Beta know how the results turn out. During the week I talked with my sister-in-law, who was diagnosed with apnea, a potentially serious condition in which one stops breathing during sleep. She was given a little machine that periodically pumps air into the nasal cavity to restart the breathing reflex. After four nights of getting used to it, she said, it really had made her sleep much more refreshing. I did notice, however, that when it went on, it looked unsettlingly like the magical snout that comes out of the Tonpact at the start of Karin's henshin into Tonde Buurin or Super Pig.

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 10:12 pm

That's what I asked you.

Baakay · Post by **Baakay** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 10:21 pm

Cloud wrote:That's what I asked you.

Well there, Cloud, aren't you glad you got the answer?

(darn bot gets smarter every day...)

Sensei, I'm glad that's all over for you and I hope you can be reasonably worry free about things pending the results! That "lots of sleep, not much refreshment" stuff sounds unfortunately familiar. As the tests continue to come in with lovely uneventful results, it has got to feel a lot better!

"You snore..."

(Hope you're over the virus. I think I had its brother. Ugh.)

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 10:22 pm

I don't have a gets smarter every day parameter

wELCOME cONSUMER · Post by **wELCOME cONSUMER** » Sat Nov 25, 2006 10:35 pm

That dream within a dream, and it not being real, etc was hilarious. I probably would've done the exact same thing. I hope the results come back ok and you have nothing to worry about. Good luck and be sure to keep us posted.

Snakeskii · Post by **Snakeskii** » Tue Nov 28, 2006 2:54 pm

Then I thought: OK, so I'm having a dream about how someone is trying to make me have a dream I'm not really having. And now, even though I'm not really awake, I'm dreaming about realizing that my dream about the technician trying to scare me into a scary dream isn't really a dream after all. This got so difficult to think about that I almost immediately went into another deep, blissfully dream-free phase of sleep.

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Tue Nov 28, 2006 2:54 pm

What does "this" refer to?

Post by **sensei** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 12:22 pm

Finally got the results: the sleep lab was none too quick about crunching the data and getting it to my M.D. (I suspect it made them doze off repeatedly).

Anyhow, the results are "conclusive" for obstructive sleep apnea and for RLS (restless leg syndrome). Looks like I'm going to get the Darth Vader mask as a result, but on the plus side two people already have said that losing that nasty headache/fatigue in the morning is absolutely worth the inconvenience of the mechanism.

Plus I can wear it to the next anime con as part of my cosplay.

But for now I need a nap ...

kittens · Post by **kittens** » Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:52 pm

sensei wrote:
Plus I can wear it to the next anime con as part of my cosplay.

LOL

At least you are looking at a positive side

Post by **sensei** » Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:56 am

I went in for my second sleep test Friday night. That was to "titrate" my breathing apparatus, whatever that meant. Anyhow, no caffeine or naps allowed the day before, and after a weary day of departmental meetings, I was again ready to drop when I arrived at the Sleep Lab at 9 PM.

A good thing, because this time I was attached to every machine in the room PLUS the mask over my nose that pumped air into my system. "Titration," I finally realized, meant that they would let me go to sleep, then see just how much pressure they had to use to stop me from snoring or holding my breath.

Well ... it was another long night, though this time the only memorable dream had to do with hitting a deer, which would have been bad if I'd had been piloting a mecha with all the links to the machines I was wearing. But, alas, all it did was make me drowsily aware of my absurd condition for 5 minutes or so.

Again, they got me up at 5 AM to disconnect me, and I wobbled home, showered to get all the goop that they'd stuck the wires on me with, and went back to bed for three more hours.

The odd thing was that when I got up later, I felt really awake for the first time in several weeks. This feeling lasted through the next day as well. So maybe we're finally onto something here?

I will say, however, that the apparatus is pretty daunting from the other end. It reminds me a bit of the magic snout Karin uses to transform into Tonde Buurin (Super Pig). So I imagine that it will cut down the numbers of women who are standing in line to sleep with me. (But then the snoring did that already...)

Sigh ...

Baakay · Post by **Baakay** » Mon Jan 15, 2007 12:36 pm

Oh this is good news! Rest is a wonderful thing! I think. Remind me?

I wonder..
I *have* utterly embarrassed myself by waking myself up snoring more than a few times recently. Hmmm.

P.S. You have a line? Lucky dog!

bulma_gt · Post by **bulma_gt** » Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:55 am

CAUTION! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE PRONE TO NARCOLEPTIC ATTACKS!
OPERATING MECHAS OR OTHER KINDS OF HEAVY MACHINERY WHILE READING THIS POST IS NOT RECOMMENDED!

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:55 am

What is OPERATING MECHAS OR OTHER KINDS OF HEAVY MACHINERY WHILE READING THIS POST?