I can't take it anymore; officially falling apart. update

graymouser · Post by **graymouser** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 10:29 am

Eep. I agree with everyone else. You really should move out as quickly as possible for your own safety.

Nene · Post by **Nene** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 10:50 am

Like alot of people have already recommended, I'd get in contact with a domestic abuse charity. If you feel you're being emotionally abused they might be able to offer some assistance with packing or maybe find somewhere for you to stay temporarily whilst you're waiting to move into your new place. Taking time off work is a good idea too, to have some time to yourself to pack.

I wish you the best. Things will only get better from here. ^_^

Lynxa · Post by **Lynxa** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 10:58 am

While I am not yet an attorney, and nothing I say can be taken as legal advice, (because that would be illegal for me to give you) particularly without knowing more specific facts, let me throw at you what I learned working in domestic violence litigation for a summer.

First off, (as Tex-chan already suggested) I would suggest you get an attorney. There should be a legal aid office where you live, and if you are not currently employed you probably fit their financial requirements (in Louisiana it's 125% above the poverty level, but I don't know about your state). Not only can they help you with the legal aspects, such as a restraining order and police assistance with moving out, they are plugged into the domestic violence network and can help find you a temporary place to stay and counselling if necessary. If you are not sure who to go to, call the police station and ask to be put in touch with their domestic violence officer (most have one). They will point you towards who you need to talk to.

I don't know how it works where you are, but in Louisiana an attorney can also help to get you temporary exclusive use and possession of the family domicile in domestic violence situations. This could help take the strain off of you while you are moving.

Second. Come to terms with the fact that what you are experiencing IS domestic violence. It comes in many shapes and forms. You do not have to be hit for it to be classified as domestic violence. You do not have to be married for it to be classified as domestic violence. The fact that you are experiencing fear, and that he has shown destructive tendencies towards your possessions tells me that this is serious. Get out as soon as you can. Possessions can be replaced (trust me, they can).

As Kittens already said, DOCUMENT. Keep a journal and write down places, specific events, and dates/times. When something happens a lot, you tend to forget how often things occurred. Request telephone records from your company. KEEP THAT NOTE HE LEFT YOU. You might not want it around, but it is evidence. Make copies of everything and leave them with someone you trust (your attorney if possible, an out of state family member if not).

Also, do not retaliate. I know the temptation is to do the same thing to him, but it will only piss him off and make you look bad.

If he does something (by which I mean anything - excessive calling, threats, physical altercations) CALL THE POLICE and DEMAND that they make a report. Many police officers are unwilling to treat domestic violence situations as serious, but it is their JOBS. Check out the anti-stalking statutes in your area, he may already qualify. I know you may feel that you "don't want to get him into trouble" but what you must realize is that he is getting HIMSELF into trouble. You are not responsible for the way he acts.

Finally, DO NOT LINGER!!! I know you might think "it's not THAT bad yet" but if you take a step back and look at it from the outside, I think you will be shocked by how bad it really is. When something escalates gradually, we sometimes lose track of how far we've come until we're already there.

I know you feel that if you can just keep things "normal" until you move out you can make a clean break and put it all behind you, but he has already shown a disinclination to allowing a clean break. Take the necessary steps towards protecting yourself immediately.

*hugs* I'm sorry this had to happen to you. If you need any help, or just want to talk don't hesitate to PM or e-mail me.

Xelloss · Post by **Xelloss** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 12:57 pm

Thanks for the concern everyone.

Current situation:
- We have seen a therepist two days ago, so there is documentation.
- He hasn't touched me in any way since that session.
- The therepist has us using notes to communicate. Unless he violates that, it's probably better to leave it alone.
- I'm worried that getting a restraining order would make him violent, especially if he sees this as a deportation threat.
- I need to pack my things, leaving would not help that.
- If it gets really bad, I can go to a hotel. I have a suitcase in the car.
- I managed to get a nice job here and I actually make more than he does.
- I spent so much on his house that I can't afford my own right now, but moving and rent costs aren't much a problem.
- I'll talk to my manager on monday about a flex schedule for the week, so I can be out by friday.
- I already got friday off for the movers.
- I'm ticked off that he's ruined so much of my stuff, but this did not all happen last night. I just found out about it then.

What concerns me the most is that he went around for a month and a half after we broke up and told people we were still engaged, no matter how much I told him to stop. He also kept trying to touch me, hug me, grab my leg, etc. Not exactly 'harmful' but not good. Same thing on ignoring me on wanting him to stop. Not leaving the door and yelling at me for leaving while I'm trying to pack does not help either. All of this has stopped in the last couple of days (since the therepy session) but I don't trust him.

Well, on the bright side I won't have any regrets about leaving this relationship...

- Karen

kamidake · Post by **kamidake** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 4:34 pm

It baffles me how many people just couldn't understand that no means no. Well, I'm glad your situation is looking up since your therapy session. The way I see it, those stuff that he ruined are small prices to pay for your well being. And hope all your packing and moving will go smoothly next week.

Xelloss · Post by **Xelloss** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 4:44 pm

One catch is that at the therepy session, he announced that he's planning on moving to my group at work. Apparently he's been holding a grudge against me this whole time over successfully landing a job in my group, which he tried and failed to do. He's been telling me over the last few months that there's nothing for him in my group. Not sure which one is the lie, but either way, I'm concerned.

I just don't get why he'd pull that in front of the therepist *now* when I'm insistant on moving as far away from him as possible. There's over 60,000 full time people here... why in the one place I'm at?

- Karen

aernath · Post by **aernath** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 6:26 pm

People do unfathomable things.
I'd say talk to the head of your group, or whomever does the hiring there, and ask politely if they are actually considering hiring your ex.
It sounds like since he didn't make it once before, he probably won't make it in again. So, hopefully, your job area will stay ex free.

Glad to hear things are looking up a little bit for you now.

Just a little longer to hold on. Just make sure you make it through. Don't waste any energy worrying about him or most of your stuff.
Definitely get the heck out asap!

Keep us updated! We want to know you're well!

Crystal · Post by **Crystal** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 6:41 pm

I'll second that, go to the supervisor/manager of your group and explain why it would be a REALLY bad idea to hire that guy. Also it would probably be a good idea to file for a restraining order after you move out so you can take that to work and show them.

It's not much of a bright side but at least you found out what an a-hole he was before you married him. Too many women find that out after they are married and it's a lot harder to get away. I live in the male weirdo capital of the world, Alaska. Where the average grizzly bear is nicer and has better table manners.

Hopefully this will all be over soon and you can get on with your life. Gambatte!

klet · Post by **klet** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 8:15 pm

What a jerk!

Definately keep each and every note he's written you. Also, see if you have any records showing how much you've paid on the house, because there is no reason why he should get a free house out of this--or any payments whatsoever out of you.

Yes, this is a domestic abuse situation. Get out of there as soon as possible, before it escalates even further. There is no reason why you should have to put up with such a situation.

If you need help packing, you can contact the local branch of my church. If they can't send someone out, they can at least point you in the right direction. Actually, tommorrow morning would be the best time to call them, as it is Sunday.

https://secure.lds.org/units/stake/0,97 ... 91,00.html?

Also, you should be able to get help from any of these organizations situated in your city:

http://www.ci.redmond.wa.us/insidecityh ... family.asp

Please note that New Beginnings is also for women in emotionally abusive relationships, and you definately qualify, hon. Do what you can to get out as soon as you can. Keep a record of everything in the house just in case you do have to leave with just the suitcase in the back of your trunk.

We don't want to see you getting hurt.

I hope I got the right city.

Xelloss · Post by **Xelloss** » Sun Sep 25, 2005 5:17 pm

OK, I was literally up all night packing again, and the kitchen is done.

So, living room, family room, dining room, kitchen are totally done. Bedroom, office, bathroom are mostly done -- drawers empty and such, but still piles of things on the floor. I'm getting in decent shape, too... I think I'm forming muscle definition for the first time in my life, LOL. I started packing while he was at a conference 2 weeks ago for a week. I tried to get as much stuff done in common areas as possible. I can at least do my bedroom/bathroom/office during normal daylight hours and not risk a direct confrontation.

After stay up to 7 am packing, I woke up at 4 pm today... I'm going to be totally dead at work tomorrow

Also, my site is not up for offers. I'm emotionally a wreck, but financially OK. My comment about how much I spent on him was mostly my anger talking about how he told me I was there to 'fnancially take advantage of him' when the truth is I'm more or less supporting him. He's actually at risk of losing the house without me contributing. I'd actually rather not sell anything when I'm upset... sounds like regret waiting to happen.

I just can't wait until I can exist outside of my room during the day. This up all night stuff is taking a lot out of me.

Thanks for all the support and suggestions everyone. I really appreciate it.

- Karen

Zag · Post by **Zag** » Sun Sep 25, 2005 9:05 pm

Girl, I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but BIG ZEN HUGS to you, and hope it's all over soon.

blueheaven · Post by **blueheaven** » Sun Sep 25, 2005 9:42 pm

It's bastards like that who really piss me off. I can't stand men who bully women. I'm so glad that you are getting out of this situation. Any woman, especially you, deserves better than that. Best of luck!

redwolf · Post by **redwolf** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:27 am

I dislike anyone who bullies anyone else, emotionally OR physically.

I hope you get out of that situation ASAP (as soon as possible and as safely as possible).

Good luck and best of wishes to you.

Xelloss · Post by **Xelloss** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 6:58 am

Thanks again for the thoughts

Thanks for all the suggestions of charities and church groups. I think I can finish myself at this point, though.... and if I did get help, I am able to hire someone.

I pretty much finished the office. The only 'big' task left is finishing the bedroom, then it's pretty much just odds and ends. These all-nighters are getting to me, though. The only benefit is that I know I've got to be jarring him awake with all the box moving going on right above him... but still, this way I face the least amount possible of confrontation.

Now to get maybe a couple of hours of sleep before work... bleh

- Karen

Baakay · Post by **Baakay** » Mon Sep 26, 2005 5:56 pm

Xelloss wrote:Thanks again for the thoughts . I think I can finish myself at this point, though.... and if I did get help, I am able to hire someone.

Oh, PLEASE don't hire someone to finish you!!

<-- some one giving me what I deserve for that retarded remark.

I'm very glad to hear that things seem to be going smoothly so far. In all seriousness, though, you might consider getting someone to be with you when the actual physical move happens. Things have sometimes been known to turn strange when the finality of the move is right in the other person's face.

Hang in there!