How to Talk to Your Kids About Almost Anything

Lynxa · Post by **Lynxa** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:38 am

Okay, now I'll admit I'm a little obsessed with McSweeney's, but I just HAD to share this with you guys!!! (If you want to read it on the site the address is http://mcsweeneys.net/2005/3/14molyneux.html )

How to Talk to Your Kids About Almost Anything

Raising kids today is more challenging than ever, but communication is key. Some subjects might make you uncomfortable, but addressing them honestly now will really help you out down the road. These sample dialogues are a road map to addressing life's thornier issues.

The Facts of Life

CHILD: Where do babies come from?

MOM: What babies? I don't see any babies around here, do you?

CHILD: I mean, when people have babies, where do they come from?

MOM: Space.

CHILD: Does that mean I'm from space?

MOM: Yes. You're from Mars.

CHILD: (Crying.) I'm a Martian?

MOM: Yes, and if you don't make your bed every day, Mommy and Daddy will send you back to Mars to live with your real parents.

CHILD: You're not my real mom?

MOM: No. You're a Martian princess that was sent to live with an Earth family for your own protection. Your real mom is 16 feet tall and shoots lasers out of her eyes when she gets mad. Think about that next time I send you to your room. At least I didn't burn all your toys with my laser-eyes.

Drugs

CHILD: What are drugs, and should I do them?

MOM: Do you have any?

CHILD: No.

MOM: Then let Mommy watch CSI Miami.

CHILD: At school they said we should just say no.

MOM: Um, do I interrupt you when you're watching Sesame Street?

CHILD: I'm 14. I don't watch that anymore.

MOM: Wait, which kid are you?

CHILD: Tammy.

MOM: Tammy what?

CHILD: Tammy Molyneux.

MOM: Freaky. We have the same last name.

CHILD: You're my mom.

MOM: (Sigh.) I thought you were from Mars.

CHILD: I stopped believing that a long time ago.

MOM: Well, you're going to get a big fucking surprise on your 16th birthday when your real mom lands in a spaceship in our backyard and snatches you out of the house with her spiny tentacles.

CHILD: I am not from Mars.

MOM: Prove it.

War

CHILD: Is it always wrong to go to war?

MOM: Excuse me, but what does the cardboard sign hanging around my neck say?

CHILD: It says, "Don't talk to Mom. She has a hangover."

MOM: OK then.

CHILD: You spelled "hangover" wrong.

MOM: You got the gist. Lot of good those spelling skills are going to do you where you're going. They don't even have colleges there. And they don't speak English.

CHILD: Where am I going?

MOM: Do I have to say it?

CHILD: I wish I was never born.

MOM: You weren't. You hatched from a big green egg.

Religion

CHILD: Is there a God?

MOM: I think your people worship a glowing orb or something.

CHILD: What do you mean, my people?

MOM: Martians.

CHILD: OK, that's enough. I never believed that crap and I'm never going to.

MOM: Hey, OK, don't get mad.

CHILD: I am mad. I am not a Martian! I am a human! I hate you! Oh my God! What the fuck was that? Lasers just came out of my eyes.

MOM: I told you so.

CHILD: Shit.

MOM: And when your dad gets home you can tell him who burned his at-home karaoke machine with her laser-eyes.

CHILD: Holy crap.

MOM: Now can you move from in front of the TV, your royal highness? According to Jim is on.

In_Gabriel_We_Trust · Post by **In_Gabriel_We_Trust** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:43 am

The beginning was hilarious !
I would be such a bad parent, always playing mindgames.

Not Sir Phobos · Post by **Not Sir Phobos** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 9:47 am

Thanks for the chuckle

hanaeleh · Post by **hanaeleh** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 9:54 am

That was so great! I'm laughing so hard I can barely type!

kymaera · Post by **kymaera** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 11:13 am

I need to save this post so that if I ever have kids, I'll have someone else
besides myself to blame for how screwed up they are.

Though, I need to find an excuse for the damage I've caused to Baakay's kids' minds already.

Baakay · Post by **Baakay** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 11:17 am

kymaera wrote:I need to save this post so that if I ever have kids, I'll have someone else
besides myself to blame for how screwed up they are.

Though, I need to find an excuse for the damage I've caused to Baakay's kids' minds already.

You've only enhanced the pre-existing damage, dear. Just think what 8 years of Wayne did.

aernath · Post by **aernath** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 2:56 pm

"Freaky. We have the same last name."

Yup, if I had kids they'd be so screwed up by first grade, they'd be believing all sorts of harebrained things!

kymaera · Post by **kymaera** » Fri Jul 15, 2005 3:22 pm

I have Baakay's youngest convinced that I'm an alien bean.