Everything you ever wanted to know about Chuck Norris

Bevhippy · Post by **Bevhippy** » Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:49 pm

This is shamelessly stolen from another forum but it made me laugh.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the
face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They
now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-
bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I
already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

zerospace · Post by **zerospace** » Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:54 pm

ROFL!!

Walker Texas Ranger... that's all I'm gonna say...

(oh yeah, and Conan O'Brian and his Walker Texas Ranger lever

)

kisara · Post by **kisara** » Fri Nov 25, 2005 2:29 pm

Bevhippy wrote:Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Lies. Where do they come-up with this stuff? Sheesh.

*shivers*

>_>
<_<

That's funny. Thanks, bev.

Blackmegabyte · Post by **Blackmegabyte** » Fri Nov 25, 2005 3:56 pm

That one about red bull caught me off guard! Great stuff!

Not Sir Phobos · Post by **Not Sir Phobos** » Fri Nov 25, 2005 4:20 pm

Booya was my favorite part.

transmet · Post by **transmet** » Fri Nov 25, 2005 8:02 pm

All of which, of course, begs the question:

How much Chuck
Could a nunchaku (nunchuck) chuck,
If a nunchaku
Could chuck Norris?

aernath · Post by **aernath** » Fri Nov 25, 2005 11:35 pm

I like the JFK one, and the devil one.

Thanks for posting this!!!!

transmet · Post by **transmet** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:23 pm

Just because I LOVE this thread so much, I've decided to list a few more tributes to Chuck:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.

While it's true that Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, Chuck Norris can just kill him and take it.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate.
This is actually a lie created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Chuck Norris loves killing pirates.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, insisting that was actually is "his" way.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Chuck Norris gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

While filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life a crowd began to gather. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, reminding the crew once more that what the good Chuck giveth, he also taketh away.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to have it show clips of him having sex with Conan's wife.

And on that last note, here's a little clip from Conan's "Walker: Texas Ranger" lever.

soda · Post by **soda** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:56 pm

I don't get it.... What's up with the Chuck Norris jokes?

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:56 pm

Oh I'm sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.

kittens · Post by **kittens** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 7:27 pm

Chuck Norris???? Gomen I usually do not get jokes (even though in Japanese.... I am a type that usually do not get it and a second later loughs after everyone is done

)

I am always clueless (my hubby has to explain jokes usually....) What is Chuck Noris?

Blackmegabyte · Post by **Blackmegabyte** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 8:02 pm

Kittens wrote:I am always clueless (my hubby has to explain jokes usually....) What is Chuck Noris?

actually not hard to believe some ppl haven't heard of ole iron beard. Quoted as being George Bush's favourite actor http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris

He was known as the proverbial MACHO balls-to-the-walls gungho Americano soldier all-round asskicker. Too bad many ppl forget that Bruce Lee put him down good.

Anyway, he's nearly in his 60s but hes made a resesurgence of badassness---- i guess hes retro. He belongs into one of those action superhero cult subgenres---- think Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme....

kittens · Post by **kittens** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 8:17 pm

Blackmegabyte wrote:
Kittens wrote:I am always clueless (my hubby has to explain jokes usually....) What is Chuck Noris?
actually not hard to believe some ppl haven't heard of ole iron beard. Quoted as being George Bush's favourite actor http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris

He was known as the proverbial MACHO balls-to-the-walls gungho Americano soldier all-round asskicker. Too bad many ppl forget that Bruce Lee put him down good.

Anyway, he's nearly in his 60s but hes made a resesurgence of badassness---- i guess hes retro. He belongs into one of those action superhero cult subgenres---- think Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme....

Like I said I am a clueless mathematician

But......

This is pretty funny

Now I get it! I will let my hubby know! I think he will enjoy it

RalphVboy · Post by **RalphVboy** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 8:23 pm

Bevhippy wrote:Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Never a more true statement! Thanks for sharing this with us Bevhippy

- RalphVboy

Cloud · Post by **Cloud** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 8:23 pm

I get it. I don't know waits.

Anime-Beta TNG

Everything you ever wanted to know about Chuck Norris

Everything you ever wanted to know about Chuck Norris

Re: Everything you ever wanted to know about Chuck Norris

Re: Everything you ever wanted to know about Chuck Norris